So I know that I have not written on here for a couple weeks too long and apologize for the delay. But in fact this post will be about just that. Last week I was sick with a cold. I know in my life when I get sick my body means business. It means stop right now because you can’t sustain the lifestyle you’re living. You can’t keep putting out the amount of energy, at the rate you’re putting it out any longer. It always hits me when I start to slow down and relax…and then boom it hits me.
This time I got hit with a cold. It was so sudden, unexpected and opposite to how I’d been moving through life that it was almost shocking. I have a hard time processing sickness when it’s not a fever, the flu or something sever enough to physically keep me in bed. Feeling tired, headachy, dizzy and pain in respiration almost feels like a choice and somehow if I where to will it away I could go back to ‘normal’. Of course this isn’t true and I need to rest more than ever.
At first it wasn’t easy, because I was going from 100 to zero in one day flat. From rehearsals, blogs, social media, meetings, recording, shows, track practice, cycling all over the city etc etc. to lying in bed watching really really bad movies (that to be honest I can’t even remember).
The more I resigned to my need for rest I realized something. For maybe the first time in my life I was able to give my body, mind and spirit the time it needed to process and heal without judgement. I have always been a high energy person that thrives on chaos and multi-tasking. This very nature has allowed me to reach the levels of success in which I have found in many areas of my life.
Like most traits, we see that they can be a blessing and a curse. For me times of stillness, reflection and just ‘being’ used to be very scary, uncomfortable times. I used to fill them with self-sabotage. My thoughts would become very negative and harmful, and my body would feel empty and seek filling. These were the times when I would spend hours binging and purging, leaving myself more depleted than when I had slowed down in the first place.
Last Thursday something changed…I woke up and I wanted to stay in bed….my body was telling me it didn’t have the capacity for anything else…and for the first time in a long long time (since I was a kid probably, when being sick and staying home was a welcome thing) there was no negative judgement of self. I spent time just lying around doing NOTHING. I need to stress to you that in the past this would have been impossible without the negative self-talk. I’m still in this zone. Although no longer sick with a cold, I am totally neutral. Instead of being spikes of emotion up and down, it’s more like waves here and there.
I didn’t have words to even describe how I was feeling until I spoke with a dear friend of mine yesterday. This is a friend who is able to listen to my stories and help me piece a through-line.
In fact this change has been coming for longer than just getting sick…I just wasn’t fully registering it. It was after an Osteopathic treatment a couple weeks ago that things started shifting more concretely. Relationships with others and myself changed, I had less of a desire to push and fight my way through things. I was craving ease. The sickness was just the thing that stopped me dead in my tracks and come to a deeper understanding.
Today I had a second treatment. I feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful healer to help reflect back to me what’s going on internally in my body. If you have never heard of Osteopathy, it is a non-aggressive touch therapy that looks to the skeletal system and organs to help show a chain of connections throughout the body. It is used to find where there blocks in the body and imbalances.
You lie there on the table as the practitioner observes how subtle movements are happening and not happening in the body. I find that on a deep level I can register much is taking place, but unlike seeing a chiropractor, for example, where things are quantifiably being cracked and twisted and very measurably shifted, you are feeling things that are only comprehensible in non-linear ways. I always walk away with whatever ailment I went in with shifted, changed, lesser, and most often even gone. But the shift that happen are beyond physical and I find manifest themselves in the weeks to come.
Ultimately I’ve come to realize my life right now is much like a treatment session. You know something’s shifting, you’re not sure what, but the stiller you get, the more aware you become, the more you let go, the more you realize that gentle change is just as effective as fast more aggressive change. You just go through it in a different way. One must allow it to happen rather than make it happen. Both and in fact all kinds of change are good, we just have to know how to go about each individual kind…as “The only thing that is constant is CHANGE.” – Heraclitus….It’s not always comfortable, but as I like to say “I want to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.”
So get out there…or stay in…but keep changing…it is inevitable so accept it and carry on on with your life!
Here’s a little video to tid you over…
(now as good as Sam Cooke himself’s version is…I found this gem and was blown away….)