Sometimes I wonder how I got here. When you get to a point where you feel like you’ve finally become yourself, the old shit seems to be blurred in the distant past. For many years, maybe my whole life until now, I felt incomplete. Like I was different from everyone else and I didn’t even like me. Similar to others stories, in order to get by; I needed external recognition and gratification. It took me a long time to understand myself, what I’m good at and how I want to represent myself in this world.

strawberry Just about two years ago now, I started writing music. I grew up on stage and behind a camera. That’s me in the overalls, strawberry juice dribbled down my front. My dad being a professional photographer, and my mum a teacher and artist, I never lacked artistic support. Somewhere along the way however, I couldn’t handle some of the personalities attracted to performance art, and for some reason I never viewed it as a career. I guess I thought everybody wanted their part on stage and I was just one of those hopefuls.

So I decided to get smart, be logical and hit the books. I went into Biology. I always loved horses and figured why not choose a ‘career’ where I could work with these beauty animals on a daily basis. I started on the path of becoming an equine vet. Boy was I ever on the wrong path….and had I stayed on it the reality is I probably woulda spent half my life in a car in transport, and the other half with my hand up the horses a***…if ya know what I mean.

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While in university I also got heavily involved in varsity sport…well to be quite correct, it was my life. I was an All-American Cross-Country and Track athlete, competing in the NAIA’s, and traveling down the Pacific coast with my team. Although I did not leave the arts entirely during this time, they were not my focus.

Yes that is me pounding the snow in Guelph, Ontario, at Canadian Nationals one year. Man what it was to be fit! Ha. Living the life of an athlete is not easy however, and in the end it was certainly not for me. And I’ll save the rest of that story for future posts.

I realized two years into my degree that I was completely and utterly unhappy. I decided it was time for a change and I moved back to Toronto from Vancouver where I’d been studying. A big part of the shift was also the need to deal with my eating disorder at the time. I’d been living with it for six years…and really had four more years to go through before any major shifts took place. It had pretty much become a death sentence with an expiry date. I didn’t fully comprehend it at the time, but looking back I am often shocked to find there weren’t more serious complications. The constant binging and purging, was not just with food,but with exercise, sleep, work, relationships, alcohol etc. Somehow I made it out the other side project management tools.

Now I’m not sharing this as some kind of ‘expose’, heck some of you don’t even know me yet. I am putting this, what some might call sensitive information, in this first blog entry, merely to set the tone. I have no intention as an artist of putting up a facade. Artists and people for that matter, who inspire me the most are authentic representations of themselves. Now you could say who am I to know that, as I don’t even know most of my lifetime heroes..Lhasa De Sela, Tina Turner, Eve Ensler to name a few…But from my point of view this is what makes them my heroes.

I want to be more me than ever before…I have spent most of my life up until now being what I thought others wanted me to be, playing games that I thought I was supposed to play, being good at things I hated, and beating myself up for being who I am. From my life I’ve learned and I continue to learn.

I will no longer be silent, I will not longer be less than, and I will no longer settle. I have a quote in my room that says…
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“If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.” Well I’ve always felt this way, and I am no longer afraid to stand in it. I am no longer afraid to be myself. I figure the more me I am the more the universe can work in my favour. I used to feel like I was too much…too big, too loud, too emotional, too good, too, too too…and yet although this persisted, I also felt like I was never enough…I didn’t quite measure up, I was different from everyone else, I was always good but never great, not quite where I was supposed to be (perfectionism at it’s finest hour)…So yes I had logged myself between a rock and a hard place. I in turn had a lot a work to do to chisel my way out. But guess what, not only did I chisel but I used that chisel to create something beautiful. I do not regret my past, I am not ashamed, I do not feel guilt, in fact I very much accept it as a part of who I was. It will forever be a part of my story, but I will not let my pain define me and make decisions on my behalf. I will let it empower me and move me to find my voice.

I encourage you to do the same. I don’t know who will read these posts, I don’t know where life will take me from here. I am certain though, that I am where I am supposed to be. I hope that you will post your comments, tell your stories, share your thoughts and…..
PipeUp_bw